Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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