There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
