Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
