my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mom said you looked used
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
