Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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