"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
