my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
