yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
