i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
