But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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