the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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