i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
