I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
