I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
