You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
