ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
