hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
