theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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