yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
