She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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