He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it hurts more in the daytime
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
