I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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