I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Randomize
