i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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