Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it glows. i had to have it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just blew my weed a kiss
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
