i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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