she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
