you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
this is an emotional support booty call
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
