your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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