my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
