worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
