I wish I could teleport
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I still have a little drunk in my system
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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