i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
