When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
