i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
