I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
