Porn is love you can see.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
