They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
