I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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