He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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