If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
