3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My vagina is officially offended.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
