I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
