someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
