he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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