I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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