It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
