I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
