just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
