I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
