New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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