Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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