Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
