Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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