drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
