Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
