Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
