why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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