how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
