I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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