just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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