I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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