was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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