How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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