My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
