it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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