my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
