Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
