i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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