Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
